Boundaries define our sense of self, helping others and ourselves recognize who we are as individuals. Boundaries can be used to protect our bodies, behaviors, thinking and feelings. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a sign of self-respect.
But every individual is unique and will want different things, as well as tolerate different behaviors from others. Therefore, it’s a natural and regular occurrence to have boundary conflicts. But what is your responsibility when someone wants you to modify your boundaries or vice versa?
When you are the person setting a boundary, your first responsibility to clearly communicate your boundary. This is a difficult task for people who are overly concerned with making other people happy. Although setting a boundary would satisfy them, it could potentially anger or disappoint other people. People with weak boundaries choose to disrespect themselves and tolerate discomfort in favor of making others happy.
If someone expresses dissatisfaction with your boundaries, you have the opportunity to evaluate your position. In some cases, changing the boundary would compromise your comfort and safety (or the comfort and safety of people you are responsible for, such as your children). In other situations, you will be able to adjust the boundary without feeling that you have compromised yourself. It is your responsibility, as well as your duty to yourself, to be honest about how you would feel adjusting the boundary.
For example, imagine that you’ve told your seven-year-old son that he can play with his friends, as long as he stays in your backyard. Pretty soon though, his friends are itching to leave, because their parents have given permission to roam the neighborhood. Your son initiates discussion of a boundary change by asking if he can go with them. At this point, you get to decide whether the adjustment is in your son’s best interest, as well as how comfortable you would be letting him leave. You might be comfortable setting a new boundary (“You may go, as long as you stay on our street and stay with the group”), or you may decide that you need to reinforce the existing boundary (“I understand why you want to go, but I’m not comfortable letting you roam the neighborhood. You need to stay at home.”)
Or imagine that you have a friend who is overly affectionate. Being hugged every time you see your friend makes you uncomfortable, so you communicate your discomfort. If your friend acts as if you never expressed your discomfort, continuing to insist on hugging you, you will likely still be uncomfortable and need to restate your boundary. If the behavior persists, you may need to re-evaluate the friendship. But if your friend respects your boundary for several months and then “slips,” giving you a hug at a holiday party, for example, you may find that you are more comfortable receiving a hug. You’ve grown closer to your friend, so the physical contact seems like a natural part of your relationship rather than a violation of your personal space. The important thing to keep in mind is that it is your choice, not something that is imposed upon you.
The second scenario is when you run into another person’s boundary. You want something that the other does not want to give. Although your wants and needs are important, it is inappropriate to violate another person’s boundaries to satisfy your desires. You may try to renegotiate the boundary. However, you must do so respectfully, without trying to manipulate the other person into giving into your demands. You also must be willing to accept the other person’s response as their final answer.
In some situations, you’ll find that a boundary is easily negotiated, resulting in a compromise that is acceptable to both parties. At other times, you won’t be able to change the other person’s mind — unless, perhaps, you resort to manipulation tactics such as sweet talking, guilt trips, ridicule or bullying. Forcing others to compromise their boundaries under these circumstances may give you what you want in the moment. However, the other person will resent you, and ultimately, their resentment and anger will destroy your relationship.
To preserve the integrity of your relationships, you must be willing to establish boundaries for yourself, as well as respect the boundaries of others. When regular conflict over a boundary occurs and a compromise that’s acceptable to both parties can’t be reached, the only acceptable answer may be to walk away from the relationship.
Jeff Corriher is a founding staff member and U.S. manager of Foundations, a non-profit organization that delivers personal-development training at moderate prices. Claim your copy of the organization’s free audio program, “7 Keys to Building Character.”
